How is it Friday already?! It’s been the fastest week ever.
I spent most of this week getting ready for a job interview that was supposed to be yesterday. The weather forecasters kept howling snow but I was praying they’d be wrong – they weren’t. Much to my disappointment I spent all of yesterday snowed in baking biscuits (on an ordinary day this would be an excellent use of a Thursday, but not on job interview day!). Luckily I was able to rearrange but it’s still a bit disappointing when you’re pumped and ready.
I’ve been wanting to do a weekly round up so have taken inspiration from the lovely Erin and the equally lovely Ellen, since I enjoy their blogs so much. I hope they don’t mind me borrowing their blog title!
This winter we’ve had a shortage of the white stuff in Scotland. Our ski fields are suffering greatly which is a real shame; while I love skiing, I’m not a huge fan of snow at home as I live in a remote area with a tiny wee car, so when it snows even a little I’m marooned. Yesterday we had about a foot, which is enough to render the country useless! Like I said it meant I missed my interview, but it was very pretty.
2. Good music
There was a time last year when I was feeling incredibly low and I couldn’t bring myself to listen to music. Not only did I feel I didn’t deserve to (how sad) but when I did I found no joy in it. Yesterday I was sweeping in the kitchen and I caught myself singing Why Does It Always Rain on Me by Travis (which I realise now is a little ironic!) at the top of my voice, and it made me stop and just appreciate that moment. I’m singing again. Letting myself listen to the radio. This is a good sign.
3. I actually went clothes shopping and bought something!
I find clothes shopping a) incredibly boring and b) incredibly difficult. But I realised I needed to smarten up my wardrobe for my upcoming interviews, so I dragged myself to the shops determined not to come home empty handed. People have asked me in the past if my eating disorder has impacted on my body image and I’m always quick to say “No, it’s totally not about that.” And yes, it isn’t about that, but it certainly has impacted on how I see myself. Which makes buying new clothes excruciating sometimes. However, with my big girls pants on, I picked up some new things and am determined not to feel too bad about wearing them.
4. Internet (or lack thereof)
My blog hadn’t been set up when we moved into our new build house the week before Christmas, but basically my parents and I built a house in the middle of nowhere. No water, no electricity, no sewerage, no phone line. We were able to add in the first three, but the phone line? Different story. Of course, nowadays you really need the internet – banking, job hunting, emailing (reading blogs…) so I’ve been surviving with a 4G dongle because thankfully (thankfully thankfully thankfully!) we have 4G up here. But with 4 adults in the house, our data allowance goes nowhere, and we’re not allowed to download anything, watch anything or listen to anything. It’s not the end of the world, but I am seriously missing catching up on Youtube or scrolling through Instagram without guilt. First world problems.
5. Realisations – being truthful
This week I’ve felt tired. Physically and mentally. My joints ache, especially my hip and ankles and climbing the stairs is an effort. I’m being annoyed by my dry skin and thin, lank hair. When I was trying on clothes this week (see 3 above) I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “Enough.” Of course, I’ve had this thought many times before and it’s no good without action, but it hit me yet again as someone who isn’t me stared back in the changing rooms.
I’ve come a long way from the lows of when I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, and when I relapsed last year. But I’m still not back to being me, the real me, and I honestly think it’s catching up with my body. Years of being healthy-ish are starting to affect me, and I really need to take the leap and start some positive changes. A bit more weight. A bit more relaxation. And more reflection.